A new star in the firmament

Igor Panarin has a dream. Or rather, a prediction. He predicts a break-up of the United States, a repetition of what happened to his own country.

Igor, you see, is a professor in an academy that trains Russia's future diplomats. But his résumé also includes membership, during his halcyon USSR days, in the KGB. While most serious Russian foreign policy experts dismiss Panarin's ideas as absurd, Kremlin-controlled state television has been avidly discussing his predictions twice a day, according to the Wall Street Journal. The Russian government is showing strong interest in Panarin's thoughts.

In summary, here lies our American future: A civil war next fall, triggered by mass immigration, economic problems, and "moral degradation." The dollar collapses. In late June or early July, 2010, the country breaks up into six pieces, just as did the USSR twenty years earlier. Where will you live?

1. The California Republic. Includes the seven western states. Annexed by or a protectorate of China. "Niihau, dudes!"

2. Atlantic America. May join the European Union.

3. The Texas Republic. Includes Texas and New Mexico, and most of the old South. Annexed by or a protectorate of Mexico.

4. Central North-American Republic. From the Rockies to the Ohio. Will either be annexed by Canada or become a Canadian protectorate.

5. Hawaii. Will be annexed by either Japan or China.

6. Alaska. Tough lucksies, Gov. Palin. Alaska rejoins Russia. Mr. Panarin has a satellite photo of the Bering Strait in his office. "It's not there for no reason," he grins.

Very interesting. Although I wonder how much Igor Panarin knows about domestic fault lines in the United States. Why, for example, would Georgia and Alabama join the Texas Republic and eat fajitas and quesidillas, while North and South Carolina would join New York and New England in an Atlantic America? Would the good citizens of the Palmetto State really submit to bureaucratic regulations issused out of Brussels?

But in the off chance that Igor is on to something, I think it behooves us here in Seattle to tweak his predictions in the most advantageous manner. Canada has spent decades on the verge of disintegration. If Québec ever breaks off, many question whether British Columbia wouldn't also seek some form of independence, something that would distance it from Ottawa's stifling control.

The good people of Seattle and Portland have more in common with Vancouver than they do with Cleveland or Miami. Vancouver residents have more in common with us than they do with Montréal or Toronto. Washington, Oregon and British Columbia should jump at the opportunity presented by any Panarinian chaos to unite into their own union. Maybe we should also grab some of the choicer parts of northern California while we're at it, but always remembering the caution that Los Angeles begins at San Jose.

We could form our own Swiss-style confederation and republic, or even retain ties to the Crown if that would satisfy sentimental urges of former Canadians.

Think of the advantages. An open border to Seattle's north. No more Homeland Security agents roaming around our highways, checking for illegal immigrants -- terrorists, probably -- from Yellowknife, Prince Rupert and Saskatoon, and searching our cars for weed in the process. Tidy customs posts in the Siskiyous, ensuring that Californian motorists are visiting only as tourists and don't plan to immigrate. (We would still grant residency to highly educated Californians who are long-time members of the Sierra Club, and who pass psychological tests designed to ferret out Californians with stereotypically loud mouths, annoying whines, and aggressive tendencies.)

Every cloud has its silver lining, even dissolution of America as we know it. Hail to thee, Evergreenia! Live long and prosper!

Map © Wall Street Journal (12-29-08)

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After publishing the above post, I discovered on Google a number of citations to the "Evergreenia Republic," a camp in Kyrgyzstan for teenagers from the former USSR nations, designed to teach them how democracy works. Obviously, my proposed Evergreenia Republic in the Pacific Northwest has no relationship whatsoever to this worthy project.