Scooter Skedaddles

President Bush today commuted the 2 1/2 year prison sentence handed out to former Cheney aide "Scooter" Libby. The jail sentence, following conviction on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, had been imposed by a Bush appointee to the federal bench. The sentence was called "excessive" by the president. The president acted after the U.S. Court of Appeals announced that there was no valid reason to delay Libby's imprisonment pending appeal.

The president, taking time from his Maine meetings with Russian president Vladimir Putin, noted that Libby was a "first time offender with years of exceptional public service."

Hours later, the White House announced that President Bush would begin an investigation into all prison sentences handed down over the past five years by the federal courts. A presidential commission will identify all first time offenders with previously blameless lives. The president will commute the prison sentences of all such first offenders.

"It's only fair," stated a spokesman for the president. "The eyes of the world are upon us. After all, we aren't some banana republic where the generalissimo's henchmen get special treatment."