Wine shop fantasy

SIGN IN WINDOW OF WINE SHOP:

“We ID 30 and Under"

Every day at lunch, I walk past a wine shop near my office building. Every day, I read the same sign in the window. I find the sign puzzling. My mind, being the sort of mind that idles in neutral when not sufficiently challenged, tends to spin out weird conversations that such a sign might initiate. If Dave Barry or David Sedaris were writing this post, it might be funny. The following dialogue, sadly, isn't really funny. It merely illustrates how my mind occupies itself when it has nothing better to do.

Hi, I’ll take a couple bottles of this nice pinot noir.

You bet. Can I see some ID?

You’re kidding. I really look under 21?

Nope, you look over 21 to me. But, no offense, you do look under 30. See the sign?

Well, I’m not under 30. I’m 32, actually.

No kidding? Wow. I mighta guessed 25, son, but I never woulda guessed 32. Let’s see your ID.

What? But the sign says you just need ID for guys 30 and under. Like I said, I’m 32.

But you don't look it. How am I gonna know you’re not 30 or under if I don’t see some ID?

Well, what if I show it to you, and you see I’m 32? Does that mean that …

Yup, then I have to admit you were right. And then you won’t have to show me your ID.

But I already woulda showed you my ID.

Well, yeah, but that was just to see if you had to show your ID. Is that so hard to understand? See, then you won’t have to show me your ID to buy the wine.

So if I showed my ID to prove I wasn’t 30 or under, but I was 30 or under, then I’d have to show it again to prove that I was 21 so I could buy the wine?

Well, sure, yeah, I guess so. But no one ever did that before.

But you’d already know if I was over 21.

Look, I just follow the State’s rules, ok? You didn’t show me your ID the first time to prove you were any goddam 21 years old, right? You showed it to me to just find out if you had to show your ID. Now you’d have to show it to me so I could see if you were 21.

Well then, why not just say everyone has to show an ID before he can buy wine?

Are you stupid or something? Why should some guy over 30 have to show me an ID just so he can buy a bleeping bottle of wine? I’m trying to be fair about this, mister.

But I’m a guy over 30!

Right, that's what you said. And as soon as you prove it you can buy the wine without showing your ID.

But ...

Look, I got other customers. You want me to call the cops or something? So, you gonna buy the wine or not?

[searching wallet] I guess not. I can't find my driver's license.