The Final "Solution"

Organic chemistry is a fascinating subject, with many practical applications. For example, take the chemical reaction, common in nature, called alkaline hydrolysis.

Alkaline hydrolysis is a simple, natural process by which complex molecules are broken down into their constituent building blocks by the insertion of ions of water (H2O), H+, and OH- between the atoms of the bonds that held those building bocks together.

--Kaye, Weber & Wetzel, Alkaline Hydrolysis, ALN Magazine (Sept/Oct 2004)

The process is sometimes called "saponification," i.e., the conversion of complex organic molecules into a soluble soap.

"Alkaline hydrolysis" is becoming the topic à la mode among today's knowledgeable practitioners in the ever-lively mortuary profession.

Burial uses up space. "A little ol' grave, just six by three," as the cowboy song goes. Well, yeah, but that's 18 square feet. Even piggybacking coffins on top of each other, that can add up to a lot of acreage in a short time. Especially with the baby boomers coming along. They've been greedy about everything else, right? They guzzled up the gasoline, churned out the carbon gases, burned up the social security trust fund. Next, they'll want to turn every last acre of this blessed green earth into little shrines to the memory of their misbegotten lives.

An increasing number of folks are turning to cremation, just for this reason. But cremation itself burns up a lot of natural gas. Got to get those ovens really blazing (1400° to 2100° F.), and the process itself involves breaking the loved one down into his or her constituent carbon and nitrogen molecules, oxyidizing them, and releasing nitrous gases and CO₂ into the atmosphere. More carbon gases, more global warming. Sheesh.

But now comes the -- as it were -- solution: I give you alkaline hydrolysis. It's tidy, it's natural, it's relatively non-polluting.

All you need is lye (NaOH, sodium hydoxide, a cheap and plentiful industrial chemical), a little warmth (300° F.), and a little pressure (60 psi). The revered ancestor is placed lovingly into what is essentially a pressure cooker, he is basted liberally with lye broth, the top is sealed in place, and the contents are warmed up. Sort of like stewing chicken in your grandma's old-fashioned pressure cooker, an image that throws sort of a warm, snuggly blanket of nostalgia over the dissolution process.

A slight amount of insoluable bone residue unavoidably remains behind, but Aunt Matilda or Uncle Charlie has essentially been dissolved into a coffee-colored syrup, with the consistency of motor oil (I didn't catch the appropriate SAE grade number, but you get the idea). This "syrup" is really just soapy water, plus whatever remaining NaOH didn't enter into the reaction with the loved one. The entire broth can be poured safely down the drain, just like dish water. The excess lye will probably keep the drains clean, as well -- a happy collateral benefit.

Liquid waste from cadavers goes down the drain at both the Mayo Clinic and the University of Florida, as does the liquid residue from human tissue and animal carcasses at alkaline hydrolysis sites elsewhere.

--MSNBC (5-8-08)

As the old humorous lyric goes, the one about the skinny gal in the bathtub:

Oh my goodness!
Oh my soul!
There goes Lily,
Down the hole!

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, syrup to syrup.

May his soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.