A lot of dog food

I love dogs. I own two cats, and I firmly believe that cats are wiser, more sophisticated, and more capable of an adult friendship with humans than are dogs. But I do also love dogs. Unconditional love, and exuberant joy in your company, are hard traits to resist. Dogs are cool.

I've now established for the record that I have nothing against dogs.

Nevertheless, the late Leona Helmsley's will causes me concern. You remember Leona? The hotel owner? The "Queen of Mean"? She who became immortal for her line, "Only the little people pay taxes"? The diamond-dripping felon, who served time for income tax fraud?

She left $12 million to her dog Trouble. Well, why the hell not? When you leave an estate valued between $5 and $8 billion, you may as well leave a trifling $12 million to the only sentient being who ever felt any real affection for you. And anyway, the probate judge reduced that bequest to a more reasonable $2 million. After all, Trouble has been the subject of death threats. Two million dollars seems reasonable, considering that round-the-clock canine security measures alone have been costing $100,000 per year. Other expenses include the legal guardian's $60,000 fee, $8,000 for grooming, $3,000 for miscellaneous expenses, $1,200 for food and anywhere from $2,500 to $18,000 for medical care -- a total of $190,000 per year. (Incidentally, how much do you earn per year at your profession or vocation?)

No, Trouble's not my trouble. My trouble is with the rest of her estate, the billions that will be poured into her charitable trust. Now, a "charitable trust" sounds great, a somewhat redeeming development at the end of one's otherwise questionable life. The "mission statement" for the trust originally indicated that its assets were to be devoted to the care and welfare of indigent people.

In 2004, one year after the trust was established, Leona changed its goal to the care and welfare of dogs.

According to a New York Times column, the assets of the trust will be worth ten times the combined assets of all 7,381 existing charities devoted to animal welfare. Oh, yeah, to be a dog.

Compare Ms. Helmsley with our local boy-made-good, Bill Gates. Bill sometimes rubbed people the wrong way, while making Microsoft the dominant producer of computer operating systems. He's shown a tendency to appear arrogant and "entitled," just like Leona. But there's a difference, a big one. Bill Gates retired last week, at age 52 and at the height of his career, to personally manage his charitable foundation, valued in the billions of dollars. Since 2000, his foundation has given away $29 billion to fight global disease, AIDS, lack of educational opportunities, and other world problems that cry out for major funding. He has set an example that is increasingly being followed by wealthy donors around the world.

Leona, after 87 years of contempt for the "little people," could find nothing more imaginative to do with her money after her death, and after she could no longer spend it on herself, than to throw it to the dogs.

As I say, I love dogs. But our world houses six billion human souls, a very large percentage of whom live out their days in misery, starvation, sickness, and ignorance -- and leave their children with no higher hopes for their own futures. A little sense of proportion is necessary.

Sometimes the way a person disposes of his estate changes our entire perception of his life. A seeming misanthrope leaves all of his money to his old high school. An old man apparently living in poverty leaves a million, hidden under his mattress, to provide scholarships for needy children. But Leona Helmsley's will and trust do nothing to change our perception of her.

It would take a lot more than $8 billion to persuade me to live her life.
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Photo: Jennifer Graylock/Associated Press