All the news

So you refuse to read Fox News On-line? You consider the site nothing more than a hotbed of right wing extremism? Think again. Fox is a respectable news outlet, not a propaganda machine. Fox clearly collects commentary by such thinkers as Reilly, Hannity, "Greta," and Baier, under the heading of "Opinion." The rest of the site is devoted to the unfiltered news you need to keep abreast of the world, and to put the commentary in its proper context.

For example, today's issue contains the following vital stories:

Irrational Exuberance. Boris Isayev died on stage during Pancake Week celebrations after stuffing himself with 43 banana and cream filled pancakes.

Islamic Civilization. Saudi Arabia sentenced a 75 year old widow to 40 lashes of the whip and four months in jail for "mingling" with two men. The men, one of whom was her late husband's nephew, were bringing her bread.

Gay Activism. In Alabama, a former male stripper was charged with slashing four persons to death while they slept. "It was worse than any horror movie," claimed the police chief.

Defense Policies. Arkansas police killed a man who walked into the station with a hatchet. After being tasered twice, "He was raring back to throw (the hatchet) at the officers and that's when the guys shot him," according to the sheriff.

Corporate Taxation. The so-called Swiss Gigolo was sentenced to prison for defrauding a 46-year-old BMW heiress, reputed to be Germany's richest woman, of $9 million, and for attempted blackmail. He had threatened to release videotapes of their trysts.

Gambler's Folly. Two phony "massage therapists" removed a man's pants and then robbed him of $2,000 in casino winnings. They were apprehended in a near-by convenience store.

Big Dogfight at First and Main. Two girls have been reported missing from a Philadelphia playground.

These seven stories comprise one half of the 14 stories Fox News offers today under its two lead topics: "U.S." and "World." That's ok. If you're one of those readers who just has to learn what's happening in today's world, turn to O'Reilly, Hannity, "Greta," and Baier. That's what they're there for.