Here's looking at me, kid

Each morning, I turn on the computer, sigh with pleasure as the Northwest Corner appears as my home page, admire my blog's well-designed format, shiver with happiness as I read over once more my last posting, and wonder whether I should add an even more handsome photo of myself to the "About Me" section. I then turn to Facebook to make sure everyone else has found my last status to be as clever as it truly was.

Only on particularly happy mornings, I hasten to add, do I actually hug my monitor, gently nuzzling the on-line entity that is I.

In rare darker moments, I will admit, I've wondered idly whether this is all quite -- how should I say -- "normal?" In fact, when browsing DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual of the American Psychiatric Association, I've sometimes come across the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, introduced with an unnerving -- to me -- summary:

The essential feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of situations and environments.

Now, I have to say that I do find all portions of the DSM-IV to be a bit unnerving, not excepting the really alarming definitions for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. But the definition of NPD (as we call it, in the profession) has always seemed to hit especially close to home.

Imagine my relief when I read recently that when the new edition (DSM-V) comes out in 2012 (or 2013, depending on who you believe), NPD will be dropped entirely as a specific personality disorder. Why? Oh, there are various technical reasons the shrinks throw out at us. But I agree with those who say that defining narcissism in an American as a "disorder" is like accusing a French speaker of "excessive nasality." Like, dude, it's who we are.

In any event, whatever the reason for dropping NPD from the DSM, I'm relieved. If smoking marijuana weren't proscribed in the criminal code, it wouldn't be a crime. Right? And if narcissism isn't in the DSM, it's not a disorder -- that's how I see it. Therefore, I'm as normal as a Republican on a couch, watching TV while balancing a bottle of Bud on his chest. Q.E.D.

Now, while we're all here talking about me ... do you think the color of my new tie brings out the piercing, deep-blue intelligence of my eyes? I'm thinking of running for the Senate in 2012, and I want my brilliance to be obvious to voters at first glance.