Gotta go

Science has solved many problems that seemed virtually unsolvable when I was a kid.  We used to whisper among ourselves, "They say that protons and neutrons are elementary, that you can't get any smaller.  But what happens if you cut a proton in two?"  Now we know that protons and neutrons are not elementary.  They are composed of smaller particles -- quarks.  Quarks are elementary particles. 

So much progress!   Available to all of us.  Just look it up in Wikipedia.

But with respect to one of the most heatedly debated topics of my early teens, no serious research has been done.  So far as I'm aware. 

The question is somewhat questionable, as so many topics debated by young teenage boys tend to be.  I hesitate to bring the matter up in a family publication -- the sort of staid, reputable publication that I've always intended Confused Ideas to be.  But -- at the risk of embarrassing some of my more squeamish readers -- I've decided to open the issue for discussion.

The issue was debated -- and, for all I know, may still be debated -- wherever two or more adolescent boys got together for a camp-out.   Camp-outs where beverages tend to be consumed in quantity during the hours before sleep overcomes the campers.

You can see where this is going, right?

To set forth the factual context as delicately as possible, let me simply point out the obvious.  First, in the Northwest Corner, though summer days may be hot, the nights tend to be chilly.  And second, all that Coca Cola or Dr. Pepper, once consumed, has to go somewhere.  At about 3 a.m., guys tend to wake up with full bladders.  And at the same time, they realize that it's cold.  And so they debate whether to lie in their sleeping bag, keeping relatively warm, with bladder uncomfortably distended, until dawn.  Or whether to brave the cold, dash into whatever bushes may be at hand, relieve themselves, and climb miserable and cold back into their sleeping bag.

As to the reality of the above dilemma, there's no dispute.  And one generally chooses one's own poison -- excessive fullness or freezing cold -- depending on one's own preferences.

But the debate, the dispute, revolves around the question of whether the choice -- cold or full bladder -- is a specious choice.  One vocal set of 13-year-olds argues that keeping the contents of a distended bladder at 98.6 degrees F. requires sufficient energy as to cause the person to feel subjectively "cold."  The remaining set of youngsters argues that the full bladder acts like a "hot water bottle" (q.v., for those not familiar with the term), one that keeps the body warm for a longer period of time.  This latter group of noisy adolescents, struggling to control their changing voices, argue loudly that one does not throw a hot water bottle out of one's bed at a time when he wishes to stay warm.

I could see both sides of the argument, even as an obnoxious youth.  I see both sides now.  The only difference is my adult ability to look beyond black and white, to seek out more nuanced answers.  The answer to the debate, I now suspect, depends on the ambient temperature, on the body weight of the irritating kid, and on the volume of his maxed-out bladder. 

My nuanced conclusion, however, isn't much help to boys with rudimentary mathematical skills attempting to decide whether to leave the warmth of their sleeping bags at 3 o'clock in the morning.  And it's based on no scientific research.

Has this issue ever been researched?  If not, surely some foundation has ample funds to provide a grant for the necessary advanced studies.  I will volunteer the two middle school kids next door as -- is the term outmoded? -- guinea pigs.