Caffeinating my telomeres

Whenever I see a teenager downing a cup of coffee, I recall that I was 23 before lack of sleep -- and perhaps a desire for the semblance of adulthood -- forced me to step up to a fast food stand in Menlo Park, California, and order my first cup of coffee.  Until that day, I had found the taste strangely nauseating, preferring to take my caffeine in tablet form.

Since that first cup, my consumption has increased exponentially.  I can down a pot of coffee a day without blinking my eyes.  It's hot, it's liquid, it perks me up -- in fact, frequent coffee consumption may be all that keeps my heart beating.

From the beginning, I've been nervous about the effect of all that stimulant on my health.  But, in recent years, I've been cheered and reassured by studies that have indicated that the oxidants and other ingredients in coffee actually improve one's health and prolong one's life.  The ultimate American dream -- a vice that's good for you!  I've embraced the dark brown brew wholeheartedly.

It was too good to last, of course.  Now, studies reveal that caffeine shortens the telomeres on one's DNA.

Telomeres are a fashionable topic right now, if you haven't noticed.  They are the caps on the strands of DNA within your body, protecting the DNA -- as the article analogizes -- like the plastic tips on your shoe laces.  Every time your DNA divides, however, the telomeres shorten.  Ultimately, they shorten to nothing, nada, zip, and the cell dies.  Soon, many cells die.  When you run out of critical cells, you -- how to put this gently?  --  you then cash in your chips.

Experiments on the DNA of a yeast (one cultivated to bear certain genetic properties similar to those of humans) have shown that ethanol (the good stuff in beer) lengthens telomeres, but that caffeine shortens them.  In other words, I've spent my life since age 23 in a fool's paradise.  I should have been drinking beer.

Next time I pass a gentleman whose state of intoxication is obviously chronic rather than merely acute sprawled on the sidewalk, I expect him to leer drunkenly at me.  "Dude!" he'll shout!  "Look at me!  See my nice long telomeres?  Hahaha!  I'll soon be dancing on your grave -- me and my bottle, we will! 

"But have a nice day, and go have yourself another nice cuppa Java!" 

And I'll grind my teeth, muttering to myself: "He's right!"  That first cup in Menlo Park started me down the long slippery path of telomere shrinkage.  What a fool I was!

Until I read next month's study refuting today's revelation.
----------------------------------
(12-5-23) Three years after I wrote the above, a study showed that while caffeine itelf shortens telomeres, coffee as a whole substance lengthens telomeres.

The present study, which investigated the relationships between caffeine and coffee intakes and telomere length, shows that as intake of caffeine -- as an isolated substance -- increases, telomeres tend to be shorter in U.S. adults. On the other hand, this investigation indicates that as coffee intake increases, telomeres tend to be longer. Because telomere length is a biomarker of the senescence of cells, the present findings suggest that cell aging may be accelerated in U.S. adults as caffeine intake increases, but may be decelerated as coffee consumption increases. Given the magnitude and importance of these relationships, additional research is warranted.

Drink coffee, avoid No-Doz!

Tucker, L.A. Caffeine consumption and telomere length in men and women of the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES). Nutr Metab (Lond) 14, 10 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12986-017-0162-x