Opening soon at a theater near you.

Like a phoenix arising from the ashes, my house's dreams of film stardom have been revived. New financing has been received, filming is soon to begin, and I'm now involved in final contract negotiations.

If all goes as planned, I'll turn the house over to the film crew from August 10 to 24. They will repaint the interiors and the exterior trim -- think "pink" and "floral" -- and restore the house (so I'm assured) following the shoot. They will plant a vegetable garden in my backyard, and then rip it out and give me back my lawn. They will plant a huge cedar tree in a neighbor's yard, and then dig it up and haul it away. Designers and landscapers have just departed after cooing with delight at all the signs of shabbiness, dereliction and decay. "It's perfect!" they exclaimed

My house will be transformed -- temporarily -- from that of a quiet attorney of great probity, restrained good taste, and poor maintenance skills (that's me I'm talking about) to one owned by a slightly weird, middle aged woman of eccentric tastes.

Neighbors have been warned to expect chaos for a couple of weeks.

But I will say no more. See the movie. The Details. Starring Tobey Maguire, Elizabeth Banks, Laura Linney, Anna Friel, Ray Liotta, and Dennis Haysbert. Release projected for 2010.