State of Oregon ex rel. Godzilla v. Bambi

Jim discovered an injured fawn in his driveway, somewhere in rural Oregon. Legally he could have "hunted" the fawn, shot it, and mounted its head over his fireplace. The normal thing for any rural Oregonian to do. Instead, he nursed it back to health, named it "Snowball," and spent thousands of dollars on appropriate food and on modifying the interior of his house so the young deer could live inside. After a year, recovered, Snowball moved into a pen outside.

In the fullness of time, Snowball gave birth to her own child, named Bucky, fathered by a neighbor's tame buck.

Time passes. Suddenly, the State learned to its horror of the meretricious relationship between Jim and his two deer. State officials descended on Jim's property and seized the deer in the name of the sovereign State of Oregon. They charged Jim with raising deer without a permit. The deer probably would be put to death, they added as an afterthought.

In order to save Bambi and child, in other words, it had become necessary to destroy them. For their own good.

The State's action generated a modicum of adverse publicity. In fact, people were outraged. Caught unaware, officials stammered explanations about the dangers of raising deer. Diseases. Property-damaging rampages by marauding deer. Deer turning on their benefactors.

You don't know Bambi like we know Bambi, they explained. Bambi is a crazed beast of prey. This approach was not as successful with public opinion as had been hoped.

The State finds itself in a bind.

The State does issue permits to allow its citizens to rehabilitate wildlife. But it can't give one to Jim. Because it has already issued 16 of the precious pieces of paper, and 16 is the maximum its rules permit. God forbid it should issue 17. Rules is rules, I always say.

With one eye glancing back at their unprotected rear, and the other eye ahead to the next election, state officials now are considering the feasibility of declaring Snowball an "exceptional case," since she would be unable to survive on her own in the wild. As an exceptional case, Snowball would of course be exceptional. Therefore, not subject to the normal wildlife rules. And therefore Snowball not only could be returned to Jim, but law and equity would demand that she be so returned. Problem solved. Q.E.D.

But, alas, not Bucky. We have to draw the line somewhere. The State, when pressed hard enough, can show some compassion, some humanity, even some flexibility -- but the State of Oregon must not be made mock of. Bucky's fate is undecided, but he probably will be released into the wild to fend for himself.

But, hooray, Godzilla's foot does seem to have spared Bambi this time around.

The moral? Damned if I know. I guess if you see Godzilla's foot coming down on you, call your local newspaper posthaste.
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Author's Note: Bambi Meets Godzilla is a 1969 cartoon, rated as the 38th best cartoon of all time. The entire feature lasts only two minutes, most of which is devoted to the opening credits. The conclusion is left to the imagination of the reader, although the scene shown to the right may assist your imagination.